Both my boys were old enough to enjoy the foot of snow dumped on us this week. They were also old enough to NOT ENJOY getting plugged in the face with a snowball for the first time. Nothing soothes a red and snotty face like a warm bowl of my epic lime white bean vegan chili.

This is a 30 minute vegan chili/soup that is hearty and healthy that is worthy…

• 4 cans of assorted white beans
• 1 can of diced jalapeños (like the ones that are almost mush)
• 3 diced carrots
• 1 diced large onion
• 3 diced stalks of celery
• 2 diced medium potatoes
• 8 cups of vegetable broth
• 1 1/2 tsp of cumin
• 1 1/2 tsp of garlic powder
• 1/4 cup chopped fresh parsley
• 1/4 cup chopped fresh cilantro
• 2 limes
• 2 tbsp of olive oil

Heat the oil in a big soup pot. Add the carrots, celery, onions, and potatoes and cook them on high for 5 minutes. Add the beans, cumin, garlic powder, and vegetable stock. Bring it to a boil and let it simmer uncovered for 20 minutes. Remove the soup from the heat and throw in the parsley and cilantro. Squeeze at least the juice of one lime into the soup. Taste it. If you want it more tart, add another lime and some additional cilantro. Salt and pepper to taste.

This is a hearty man meal after shovelling a driveway or a soother for a kid who just took his first snowball in the chin.

Aleta and I attended a “raw food” workshop at the local (and only) Whole Foods Market. As usual, I was the only dude there that was not wearing a small T-shirt and horn-rimmed glasses, was clean shaven, and did not have product in my hair that made me look an alt-rocker (you know, that dry pomade stuff). I was thinking about carrying my Glock 19 and wearing cammo (actually, I don’t have cammo and don’t have a gun or a concealed carry permit…yet).

Eating 100% raw is pretty hard core. It makes us vegans look like health heathens. However, incorporating some decent raw foods and meals into any kind of diet can be extremely helpful. The lady doing the cooking demonstration had an amazing story of health restoration and weight loss after having chronic illness for 20 years. There are plenty of testimonies like this if you google hard enough.

She whipped up some eg’gless e’gg salad in one of her demos. I was a total skeptic until she passed out samples. Once the demo was over, I ran over to the store and bought all the ingedients. I have been eating it every day for lunch this week.

Ingredients:

• 1 medium lemon squeezed (about 1/4 to 1/2 cup)
• 3/4 cup raw macadamia nuts (soaked for 4 hours)
• 3/4 cup raw cashews (soaked for 4 hours)
• 1/4 cup diced celery
• 1/4 cup diced peppers
• 1/4 cup relish or diced pickles
• 2 diced scallions
• 1 tsp of agave nectar (or sugar)
• 3/4 tsp of tumeric (key ingredient)
• 1 chopped garlic clove (or tsp of powder)
• Salt to taste
• Water for consistency

Blend everything but the vegetables in a food processor for 5 minutes. The mixture should be very smooth and yellow by the time you are done. Add water a 1/4 cup at a time until you get your desired consistency (like how thick or thin do YOU want it). Pour the mixture into a bowl and add the veggies and mix it.

You can eat it right there or chill it for a few hours. It does get better with age. From that point on, you can basically use it on whatever you want. You can make sandwiches, celery boats, or add it to a salad. The stuff is very filling and very good for you. You are getting a ton of protein and good fats and zero cholesterol.

And you don’t have to wear horn rimmed glasses to enjoy it…

I am half Italian and born in New Jersey. Although, I somehow picked up a southern twang over the years (maybe because I have lived in the south for 10 years), I still have loyalty to New Jersey and Bruce Springsteen (gotta be from Jersey to get that one).

A very simple Italian/northeastern dish is to simply sautee up a bunch of peppers, saus’ge, onions, and some mushrooms. I did this yesterday for lunch and it was a delightful and filling meal without the associated calories and heart crushing saturated fat.

Ingredients:

• 2 tbsp grape seed oil (much better for cooking – use canola if you don’t have this)
• 1 package Tofurky Italian Saus’ge
• 1 medium onion
• 1 green pepper
• 1 handful of sliced mushrooms
• 2 tbsp of Frank’s RedHot

Heat the oil in a large skillet and get it really hot. Slice the saus’ge into decent bite sized slices. Julienne cut your onions and peppers. Add all the ingredients to the skillet. It should really sizzle. Stir constantly for 5 to 7 minutes. You will see the onions start to get slightly brown and caramelize. Remove from heat, and add the Red Hot. Stir until it is mixed.

Pour the big ‘ole pile into a bowl and turn on some Bruce Springsteen to listen to while you eat.

More spicy. More savory. More soup and less chili. All the flavor. Less the fat. Less the bloat. Less the burps. Come try part deux. Serves 4 – 6. Prep time 30 minutes.

Ingredients:

• 8 cups vegetable stock (use “Better than Bullion No Chick’n” Base)
• 2 medium diced yukon gold potatoes (they are just good for cookin’)
• 1 medium diced onion
• 4 massive minced garlic cloves
• 1 can tomato sauce
• 1 can pinto beans
• 1 can “Rotel” diced tomatoes and chili peppers
• 5 tsp chili powder
• 2 tsp cumin
• 7 diced de-nuked habanero peppers (leave this off if you are a sissy)
• 1 package of Trader Joes vegan soy chorizo
• 2 tbsp of cooking oil

Heat the oil in a stock pot. Add the potatoes, onions, and garlic. It should sizzle. Cook at high heat for 5 minutes stirring frequently (some browning is not bad). Add everything else except the vegan chorizo. Bring the pot of soup to a boil. Simmer 10 minutes. Add the vegan chorizo. Simmer an additional 5 minutes. Let the soup cool for 5 minutes before tasting. As my late mother-in-law used to say, “Let it get aquatinted”. It will take a couple minutes for the heat to come out. Wait and then add more seasoning if required. Enjoy with some tamales and bring a napkin to wipe your forehead (unless you are a sissy and ditched the habaneros…if this is the case, serve the soup on a lovely laced doily).

Just when you think it is vegan impossible. I am sipping on a bowl of this right now. I just made it. All the texture and flavor without all the calories and 30 chemical ingredients on the back of the soup can. Take a look at a classic Campbell’s Cream of Anything soup. The first ingredient ain’t cream (I have always wanted to spread some polysorbate 60 on a cracker with some fresh basil).

Feeds: 4 – 6
Total Prep Time: 40 Minutes

Dice up:

• 1 medium onion
• 2 carrots
• 2 stalks of celery
• 3 medium yukon gold potatoes (or whadevah’ potato you have)

Have on the side and ready:

• 1 can of green beans (yeah, I am sure there are food additives in this)
• 8 cups of water
• 6 – 8 tsp of vegetable bullion (or 8 cups of vegetable stock)
• 2 handfuls of fresh baby spinach
• 1 bag of non-meat chick’n pieces (like Morningstar)
• 2 tbsp chopped fresh parsley
• 1/2 tsp fresh chopped rosemary
• 1 cup of cashew cre’m (uhhh, what?)

Yes, cashew cre’m. There is your cre’m substitute (you wish I would tell you why I use ” ‘ ” in those words). It is made up of raw cashews and water (no polysorbate 60?). Raw cashews are soft, absorb water, and can be blended into a paste with the consistency of heavy cream and a slight sweet taste. Take a cup of raw cashews and soak them in water for at least 30 minutes (2 hours preferred). Pour them in a food processor with enough water to cover 1/4 inch above the nuts. Grind em’ for like 3 minutes. they will eventually turn into a white vegan cre’m.

While still contemplating this, pour 4 tbsp of oil into a soup pot and get it HOT. Dump in all your diced vegetables. Cook them on medium heat for 5 minutes. Add the 8 cups of water, bullion, green beans,  herbs and bring to a boil. Reduce to a medium boil for 10 minutes. At 10 minutes, add the chick’n and cre’m. Reduce the heat down to simmer and stir like crazy. Cook 5 more minutes at a really low temp. Add more herbs, salt, and pepper to taste. Remove soup from heat and throw in the baby spinach. Serve immediatey if you want to burn every part of your mouth. Otherwise, let it cool.

Can you taste the polysorbate 60? That’s what I thought.

Here is a no-nonsense throw down bowl of hearty Mexican chow. There are no limits to what you can throw into the bowl as everything goes together and the more you mix it, the better it tastes. This bowl of warm Mexican goodness is a great meal to walk into after a cold fall day.

Ingredients:

• 2 diced potatoes
• 1 diced green pepper
• 2 diced scallions
• 1/2 diced red onion
• 3 minced garlic cloves
• 1 package of silken tofu
• 1 package Trader Joes vegan soy chorizo
• 2 slices of vegan soy pepper jack cheese
• 1 tbsp soy milk
• soy sour cream
• guacamole
• hot sauce
• lime juice
• cilantro

Pour the oil into a large skillet and get it hot! Add the potatoes and garlic. They should sizzle. Cook them for 3 minutes. Add all the other vegetables and cook for an additional 5 minutes until the potatoes are soft. Add the silken tofu block and work it into the mixture. The tofu should break apart into really small chunks. Add the soy vegan chorizo (I love this stuff). Keep on stirring the mixture over high heat until it is cooked through (2 minutes). Remove from heat.

In a small bowl, break up the slices of soy pepper jack cheese and add the tbsp of soy milk. Microwave it for 30 seconds. Take it out of the microwave and whisk it with a fork. This will give you that creamy cheese sauce (vegan, of course) that you find slathered all over your traditional Mexican burrito without having it stop your heart or simply pad it on your thighs or gut (part of that weight loss deal).

Scoop the Mexican mixture into a bowl. Pour the savory melted soy cheese over it. Add a large scoop of soy sour cream and guacamole. Stir it a little until it is nice and sloppy. For kicks, squeeze some fresh lime and sprinkle some fresh chopped cilantro over the top. Get yourself a big spoon and start shoveling in this warm, healthy, filling, fall vegan meal.

Folks, a vegan meal does not get any easier than this. If you have been reading this blog and have been curious about the food, the vegan red beans and rice recipe yields a great “try before you buy” meal. It is full of fiber and protein with low fat and no cholesterol (a building block for my 25 year old weight at 35). We have made this meal for all of our veganphobic friends and all have been shocked by how stinkin’ good this is.

Here are the stinkin’ ingredients (I just like saying that in a recipe):

• 1 1/2 cups of cooked rice (not sticky, like classic Uncle Ben’s)
• 1 can of red kidney beans
• 1/2 Trader Joe’s Vegan Chorizo (yeah, we love this stuff)
• 1 TBSP worchestshire sauce
• 2 TBSP liquid smoke
• 1/2 diced onion
• 1/2 diced green pepper
• Vegetable stock

Heat 2 tbsp of oil in a large skillet. Add the onion and pepper. Saute the mixture for 3 minutes. Reduce heat to a simmer. Add worchester and liquid smoke to the pan and stir into the vegetables. Add the rice, beans, and chorizo to the pan. Add vegetable stock in splash increments if it seems too dry for you liking. You may also add dabs of liquid smoke depending on how Cajun you like it. Cook the mixture on low for 3 minutes, stirring frequently.

Remove from heat and serve in bowls with some Frank’s Red Hot (accept no substitutes).

Buffalo Pizza

If you are a skeptic, this sounds like a stretch. Trust me, it isn’t. Much like Taco Bell, I find myself reusing the same ingredients and ideas in many different recipes. If you don’t know what I am talking about, read this post on my born again buffalo wings. Aleta and I just enjoyed this pizza and I even took a picture (many of you have been asking for this).

As you may or may not know, I am the village idiot of bread making. However, I have always been able to do a pizza crust. Adding my obsession with flax seed, I have created a pretty decent from scratch pizza dough. The recipe will yield two thin crust or one thick crust pizzas.

Pizza Crust:

• 1 1/2 cups of bread flour
• 1 1/4 cups of whole wheat flour
• 3 tablespoons of ground flax seed (read here why flax is a health booster)
• two minced garlic cloves
• 1 tablespoon chopped fresh parsley
• 1 1/2 cups of water
• 2 tablespoons olive oil
• 1 tsp of sugar
• 1 1/4 tsp active dry yeast
• 1 tsp salt
• 1/8 tsp ascorbic acid (vitamin C – read here why this is helpful)

Put the sugar and yeast in a small cup. Add 1 cup of really hot to the touch water. Stir the mixture and let it sit for 5 minutes. After 5 minutes, it will be frothy and foamy like a head on a Guinness.

Mix all the other ingredients in a bowl. Pour the water in the bottom of your Kitchen Aid mixer with dough hook (best $100 kitchen investment). Turn the mixer on low and gradually add the dry ingredients. Pour the remaining 1/2 cup of water in a shot at a time until all ingredients are mixed. The dough should incorporate all ingredients and not stick to the bottom of the bowl. Add some flour or water to adjust until you reach this. The dough should spin 6 minutes start to finish. Pull the dough off the hook. Spray the bottom of the mixing bowl with PAM. Throw the dough back in the bowl, cover it with plastic wrap, and let it rise for 30 minutes. As always, you can help speed this process by putting the bowl on a warm stove-top by the oven vents. I preheat my oven to 200 degrees just to let the heat warm the stove.

In the meantime, you need to prepare the toppings. The pizza toppings consist of:

• 1/4 cup Frank’s Red Hot (accept no substitute)
• 2 tbsp of canola or grape seed oil (olive if you must)
• 1 sliced medium onion
• 1 heaping handful of sliced mushrooms
• 2 cloves of  garlic
• 5  diced boneless vegan buffalo wings
• 4 slices of soy smoked provolone cheese

Pour 2 tablespoons of oil in a saucepan and get it hot. Add the onions, mushrooms, and garlic and saute on high heat for 3 minutes. Remove the mixture from the heat. In a small bowl, combine the hot sauce with two tablespoons of oil and mix it well.

Once the dough has risen to about 50% more (does not have to double in bulk) than the original size, remove the dough from the bowl and drop onto a floured surface. I like a thin crust so I slice the dough in two portions and throw the other in the fridge (good for 7 days).

Roll the dough out on a floured surface and transfer if to a pizza pan. You may have to work on this a bit as this dough is a little more stiff than regular white flour doughs. The dough should be just about paper thin and you should get at least 12 inches out of it. Spread the hot sauce on the dough and cover it. You may have to do a couple shots from the bottle to get full coverage. Layer the sauteed onions and mushrooms over the sauce. Next, layer the chopped vegan chicken pieces.

Place the pizza (no, I did not forget the cheese) in a preheated 425 degree over for 7 1/2 minutes. After 7 1/2 minutes, pull the pizza out and add the smoked cheese. I usually break the slices into little squares and layer it all over the pizza. You want to wait to add the cheese as soy cheese will burn if you add it at the begining of the process. Place the pizza back in the oven and cook for 6 more minutes.

The pizza crust should be brown and the soy cheese should also start to tint a little brown. Remove the pizza and let it stand for a couple minutes. In the meantime, you can whip up an optional ranch dipping sauce:

• 1/2 cup soy mayo
• 1/2 cup soy sour cream
• 1 large garlic clove
• 1 tbsp of fresh parsley
• 1/2 green onion

Throw all this in a food processor and blend it to a sauce. Add onion or garlic powder to get the desired strength of the dipping sauce. If it is too thick, pour in a tablespoon of vegetable stock or soy milk.

Cut the pizza, serve it up with the cool ranch sauce, and enjoy. This pizza satisfied our itch for the Sunday afternoon slouch in front of TV meal. It has salty, spicy, pizza, and dressing all in one sitting. As always, there is ZERO, Nada, zilch cholesterol and half the fat.

I am the village idiot when it comes to making bread. I have either made rolls that could double over as weapons grade tank shells or loafs that are like that astronaut freeze dried ice cream we all thought was really cool when we were kids (you have never been to Epcot Center?). This last week was a complete breakthrough in my artisan brick (or bread) making ability. I had a brief conversation with a friend of mine who happens to be a commercial baker and she gave me 3 tips that took me from the village idiot to the medicine man of the crusty loaf.

Start with ascorbic acid. Yes, good bread requires acid. You may also know this as vitamin C. Vitamin C is a dough stabilizer. It turbo charges the rising of the yeast and also helps with freshness. After you drop some acid in the bread dough, don’t mix it too long. I have a Kitchen Aid mixer with a dough hook and bowl. I mix the dough no longer than 6 minutes. The first minute is mixing the wet and dry ingredients and the last 5 are kneading. Speaking of wet and dry, add your dry ingredients to your wet. In other words, start with your yeast/water mixture in the mixing bowl and then add the flour.

With all that said, here is the village idiot-proof vegan bread recipe:

• 3 cups of bread flour (if you want to be the village idiot,  use all-purpose flour )
• 2 1/4 tsp (one package) active dry yeast
• 1 tsp of sugar
• 1 3/4 cups of water (a little more or less)
• 1 1/4 teaspoons of salt (that 1/4 makes a difference)
• 1/8 tsp of ascorbic acid (you can buy this in powder form or just pulverize a vitamin C tablet)

Do this exactly as I say or risk becoming the village idiot:

Pour the yeast and sugar into a 1 cup measuring cup. Add hot water until the cup is almost full. The water should be almost too hot to the touch. Stir the mixture in the cup and let it sit. In a bowl, add the flour, salt, and vitamin C. Wait about 5 minutes. The yeast mixture should have a foamy surface about 1/4 inch thick (kinda like the thickness of a head on a Guinness). Pour the yeast mixture into the Kitchen Aid bowl (with dough hook) and turn on the mixer to the lowest speed. Gradually add all the flour. Start pouring in the remaining 3/4 cup of hot water a shot at a time. Be patient until all the water is absorbed (you may not need it all). Keep on adding water until all the dough mixes. This should be happening in under 1 minute. The dough should wrap around the dough hook and not stick to the bottom of the bowl as it spins. If it does, add pinches of flour and wait. Repeat until the stickiness stops. Eventually, the bowl should be spotless without any residue as the dough has picked up all this up. Let the dough spin on the hook for no more than 5 minutes. Stop the mixer after 5 minutes and feel the dough. It should be soft enough to *almost* stick on your fingers, but it won’t.

Remove the dough from the hook and the bowl. Knead it a couple times into a ball. Spray the mixer bowl with Pam and drop the dough back in. Cover and let it rise for 45 minutes or until it is roughly twice the size. I put the bowl on the stove-top and turn on the oven to 200 degrees. The heat from the oven vents warms the stove-top and helps the bread rise. Ideally, bread dough should proof above 80 degrees.

Take the dough out of the bowl and shape it into a loaf on a cookie sheet or a Pampered Chef baking stone (the best). Don’t manhandle it too much. I gently shape it into an oval, making sure not to squeeze all the air (or CO2, really) out of it. From there, put a couple toothpicks in the dough and gently place a couple sheets of plastic wrap over it. It should look like a tent. Put the baking sheet on the stove top and let it rise for 2 hours until it is doubled in size.

Fifteen minutes before baking, put a brownie pan with some water on the bottom tray of the oven. The water will start to boil and make steam. The steam will help give the bread a nice hard crust, but not dry it out. Get the oven up to 425 degrees. Remove the plastic wrap from the baking sheet and stick it in the oven. Bake the bread for 25 minutes. The crust should be light golden brown. Remove the bread from the oven and place it on a cooling rack for at least 20 minutes. This will enable the crust to settle.

If you have made it this far, you should have a kitchen that smells like a Parisian bakery. The vegan bread should have a warm and soft center with a nice and chewy crust. There should be a good yeast and salt flavor to the bread.

I have made this vegan bread 3 days in a row now and it has turned out exactly the same. Our days of paying $5.99 for a Panera loaf may be over. Hopefully, I will stay a medicine man. I can also cancel my military contracts for tank shells.

What is the vegan obsession with alfalfa or bean sprouts or whatever that stringy stuff is. Have you ever noticed that they only put that grassy stuff on vegan sandwiches? You will never see a juicy smoked chicken sandwich with alfalfa. It is almost like a restaurant menu planner is like “Well, they tend to be weird people anyway. Let’s make the sandwich really weird.” When I bite into that stuff, I almost feel like I am chewing dental floss.

Here is a much better vegan sandwich that saves the grass or sprouts or whatever that stuff is.

Green Zucchini
Big fat onion (almost softball size)
Red Pepper
Avocado
Loaf of fresh Panera Sourdough (or supermarket fresh)
Grapeseed oil (Olive is “okay”)
salt and pepper
Dijon Mustard

Cut the zucchinilengthwise about a quarter inch. You should get 3 – 4 slabs. If the zucc is long, cut it in half. You want a good sturdy slab. Cut the onion in the middle and make the slabs a little thicker. Cut the pepper in in half, clean out the ribs and seeds. Then cut the halves in half again. You want to make sure the pepper is nice and flat. To the side, cut the avocado in half, remove the seed, and slice it into sandwich sized pieces. Place all the veggies except the avacado in a flat pan and coat them with the grapeseed oil. Grapeseed oil does much better in high heat (flash point) and does not smoke anywhere like olive oil. It is a great grilling and saute oil. It has some of the characteristics of olive oil in the sense you can use it for dipping (have you ever tried to dip your bread in soybean oil?) and it is great for grilling. Sprinkle salt and pepper liberally over the veggies. Most people are afraid here and under season.

Start your grill and get it to about 450 degrees. You have to get it this hot. Don’t do anything until it is this hot. The biggest grilling mistake people make is that they cook at temperatures way too low and flip stuff too often. Once the grill is at 450, place the onions, peppers (inside portion down), and zuccs on the grill and close the cover. You should be cooking these for 3 – 4 minutes. Flip the veggies after this time and cook for another 3 – 4 minutes. The peppers will have some black spots on the outer skin, the onions should lose the outside layer and be clearer towards the outside, the zuccs should simply be soft to the touch (with your flipper, not your hand) and can be cut with the edge of your flipper.

Remove the veggies from the heat. Cut your bread into nice 1/2 inch slices and coat (with a brush or a paper towel) both sides with grapeseed oil. Throw those on for about a minute on each side.

Spread some Dijon mustard on both slices of bread. Layer the sandwich with avocado on the bottom, followed by zuccs, peppers, and the onions. Make it as fat or skinny as you’d like. Cut in half and serve immediately.

And if you are weird, you can throw on some grassy alfalfa stuff (whatever).