I am the village idiot when it comes to making bread. I have either made rolls that could double over as weapons grade tank shells or loafs that are like that astronaut freeze dried ice cream we all thought was really cool when we were kids (you have never been to Epcot Center?). This last week was a complete breakthrough in my artisan brick (or bread) making ability. I had a brief conversation with a friend of mine who happens to be a commercial baker and she gave me 3 tips that took me from the village idiot to the medicine man of the crusty loaf.

Start with ascorbic acid. Yes, good bread requires acid. You may also know this as vitamin C. Vitamin C is a dough stabilizer. It turbo charges the rising of the yeast and also helps with freshness. After you drop some acid in the bread dough, don’t mix it too long. I have a Kitchen Aid mixer with a dough hook and bowl. I mix the dough no longer than 6 minutes. The first minute is mixing the wet and dry ingredients and the last 5 are kneading. Speaking of wet and dry, add your dry ingredients to your wet. In other words, start with your yeast/water mixture in the mixing bowl and then add the flour.

With all that said, here is the village idiot-proof vegan bread recipe:

• 3 cups of bread flour (if you want to be the village idiot,  use all-purpose flour )
• 2 1/4 tsp (one package) active dry yeast
• 1 tsp of sugar
• 1 3/4 cups of water (a little more or less)
• 1 1/4 teaspoons of salt (that 1/4 makes a difference)
• 1/8 tsp of ascorbic acid (you can buy this in powder form or just pulverize a vitamin C tablet)

Do this exactly as I say or risk becoming the village idiot:

Pour the yeast and sugar into a 1 cup measuring cup. Add hot water until the cup is almost full. The water should be almost too hot to the touch. Stir the mixture in the cup and let it sit. In a bowl, add the flour, salt, and vitamin C. Wait about 5 minutes. The yeast mixture should have a foamy surface about 1/4 inch thick (kinda like the thickness of a head on a Guinness). Pour the yeast mixture into the Kitchen Aid bowl (with dough hook) and turn on the mixer to the lowest speed. Gradually add all the flour. Start pouring in the remaining 3/4 cup of hot water a shot at a time. Be patient until all the water is absorbed (you may not need it all). Keep on adding water until all the dough mixes. This should be happening in under 1 minute. The dough should wrap around the dough hook and not stick to the bottom of the bowl as it spins. If it does, add pinches of flour and wait. Repeat until the stickiness stops. Eventually, the bowl should be spotless without any residue as the dough has picked up all this up. Let the dough spin on the hook for no more than 5 minutes. Stop the mixer after 5 minutes and feel the dough. It should be soft enough to *almost* stick on your fingers, but it won’t.

Remove the dough from the hook and the bowl. Knead it a couple times into a ball. Spray the mixer bowl with Pam and drop the dough back in. Cover and let it rise for 45 minutes or until it is roughly twice the size. I put the bowl on the stove-top and turn on the oven to 200 degrees. The heat from the oven vents warms the stove-top and helps the bread rise. Ideally, bread dough should proof above 80 degrees.

Take the dough out of the bowl and shape it into a loaf on a cookie sheet or a Pampered Chef baking stone (the best). Don’t manhandle it too much. I gently shape it into an oval, making sure not to squeeze all the air (or CO2, really) out of it. From there, put a couple toothpicks in the dough and gently place a couple sheets of plastic wrap over it. It should look like a tent. Put the baking sheet on the stove top and let it rise for 2 hours until it is doubled in size.

Fifteen minutes before baking, put a brownie pan with some water on the bottom tray of the oven. The water will start to boil and make steam. The steam will help give the bread a nice hard crust, but not dry it out. Get the oven up to 425 degrees. Remove the plastic wrap from the baking sheet and stick it in the oven. Bake the bread for 25 minutes. The crust should be light golden brown. Remove the bread from the oven and place it on a cooling rack for at least 20 minutes. This will enable the crust to settle.

If you have made it this far, you should have a kitchen that smells like a Parisian bakery. The vegan bread should have a warm and soft center with a nice and chewy crust. There should be a good yeast and salt flavor to the bread.

I have made this vegan bread 3 days in a row now and it has turned out exactly the same. Our days of paying $5.99 for a Panera loaf may be over. Hopefully, I will stay a medicine man. I can also cancel my military contracts for tank shells.

Even before the vegan diet, I always felt an artery harden when eating a chicken wing. I could always get beyond this because, well, buffalo wings taste so stinkin’ good. This is especially true with a huge bucket of potato wedges and two tubs of ranch and bleu cheese dressing. Add a good football game and a beer and I can’t think of a better night in front of the TV. In fact, I was so obsessed in college with that buffalo taste that I would eat chicken wings whenever I could afford them. If I couldn’t I put the Red Hot sauce on pasta and even popcorn (at 3 AM, anything tastes good). A 12 wing basket with fries and dipping sauces is about 140% of your fat, calories, and cholesterol intake.

Aleta and I both thought our wing days were over until I saw frozen vegan “boneless wings” at our local specialty store. The brand is called “Health is Wealth” and the box is called “Chicken Free Buffalo Wings”. These “wings” are 100% wheat gluten and vegan. I picked up a box of these with high hopes and rushed home.

For ranch sauce, I made an all vegan ranch dip with the following ingredients:

• 1 cup vegan mayo
• 1 teaspoon garlic powder
• 3/4 teaspoon onion powder
• 1/4 teaspoon black pepper
• 2 teaspoons of fresh parsley
• 1/2 cup of plain soy milk
• 1/4 cup vegan sour cream

Blend all this in a food processor until creamy and put in the fridge for 15 minutes. For wing sauce, melt 1/2 cup of Frank’s Red Hot (don’t use anything else) with 1 tsp of margarine. Bake as many wings as you’d like according to the box. When they are done, dump the in a medium sized bowl and add some hot sauce. Toss the wings a bit until they are coated. Add more or less sauce depending on taste.

We were absolutely shocked at how good these wings were. They had the same taste and texture as the boneless buffalo wings we used to eat at Chili’s. The ranch dressing had the cool garlic flavor to balance out the hot and spicy. As a matter of fact, I whipped up a batch of these last night and watched the Colts vs. Rams game.

I am sick of chili. I have been making chili for almost 15 years now as my “poor single man” meal of choice along with chicken, rice, and beans that the Mexican dishwashers taught me how to make in my restaruant days. Of course I am not single or poor anymore (except in spirit). Wanting some Mexican zing without the density of chili, I whipped together this absolutely phenomenal hearty stew.

Ingredients:

• 1 can of tomato sauce
• 2 cans diced tomatoes and chilis
• 7 cups of vegetable broth
• 1 package Trader Joe’s soy chorizo (or any soy chorizo)
• 1 medium onion
• 3 medium potatoes
• 3 large garlic cloves
• 4 Tbsp of chili powder
• 2 Tsp of garlic powder
• 2 Tsp of cumin
• 4 Tbsp oil
• 1 avacado
• sour cream
• fresh limes
• cilantro

Dice the onions and potatoes into bite sizes (as in chunks you want to fit on your spoon). Smash the garlic in a cool Pampered Chef garlic press and add to the potatoes and onions. In a large soup pot, add the oil and get it super hot. Add the potatoes, onions, and garlic. You should get some major sizzle going and an awesome aroma. Cook the mixture on high heat, turning frequently for 5 – 7 minutes until the potatoes are almost edible (pick one up and bite into it). Stir in the soy chorizo and cook for another minute. Add the tomato sauce, diced tomatoes, vegetable broth, and seasoning. Bring it to a boil and then let it simmer for 20 minutes. You may need to tweak the chili powder and cumin to your taste. Remember that chili powder is much less potent than cumin. You can add chili powder in tablespoon increments, but I suggest cumin in 1/4 teaspoon until taste. Add some salt if needed.

Slice the avocado in half and remove the seed. Scoop out chunks of it with a spoon. Pour the soup into a bowl. Throw a couple chunks of avocado, a scoop of soy sour cream, and chopped cilantro on top. Squeeze a lime over the whole thing in serve. Three words: oh my goodness. I served this to my Oklahoma good ole’ boy deer meat eating neighbor and he engulfed the whole thing in about 10 seconds. In his words “Meat or no meat, if it tastes good I’ll eat anything.” So would I and I don’t have to be poor or single to do so.

I love hearty egg noodles with a creamy kinda chicken based sauce. These dishes are the kind you find at church potlucks on cold winter days. These satisfying meals leave enough thick sauce in the bottom of the bowl to be mopped up with a piece of a hot roll. I know we are not yet to the cold (unless you live in Alaska or something) and  obviously chicken and cream are two ingredients that simply don’t jive with vegan cuisine. In any case, I could not wait for the winter to try this.  The best type of “chicken” out there is seitan (pronounced say-tan, emphasis on the tan). This is pure wheat gluten that has been shaped into chicken chunks. It has the exact same texture as diced chicken breast. As for cream, I am using soy sour cream and plain soy milk.

This recipie has a lot of moving parts. As a result, I will break it down into two parts. the first part below is the “chicken” mixture.

• 8 oz package of seitan diced into small pieces
• 2 celery stalks diced
• 1 small onion diced
• 2 cups of sliced mushrooms
• 1 cup of wine
• 1 cup of vegetable broth
• 4 tablespoons of oil

Add the oil to a large saute pan and get that pan super hot. Add the seitan, celery, onions and mushrooms. You should get a nice sizzle. Stir the mixture on high heat for 5 – 7 minutes. Add the white wine and 1 cup of vegetable broth. Reduce to a simmer for 10 minutes. Remove from the heat and put to the side.

While the mixture is simmering, cook up 8 oz of eggless egg noodles (uhh, what?). You can also buy fetuccinie and simply break it into thirds.

Here are the ingredients to the sauce:

• 2 cups of vegetable broth
• 4 tablespoons of soy sauce
• 4 tablespoons of corn starch
• 1 cup of plain soy milk
• 1/4 cup of soy sour cream
• 1/4 cup of freshly chopped parsley (like the stuff from my back yard)
• 1 tablespoon of fresh thyme
• 4 tablespoons of nutritional yeast

Bring the broth and soy sauce to a boil. In a seprate bowl  mix the soy milk, sour cream, cornstarch, and herbs. Slowly pour the soy mixture into the boiling broth. Once the sauce thickens, remove from heat and add the nutritional yeast. This will give you a thick and creamy sauce.

Drain the pasta and put it back into the pot. Pour in the seitan mixture and the sauce. Add 1/2 cup of soy sour cream and throughly mix. Turn the burner on low and stir the mixture for 2 – 3 minutes until the sauce just starts to boil.  If you have made it this far, you should have a hearty pot of sauce drenched noodles. Add salt and pepper to taste, scoop into bowls, and serve. As always, you get the flavor and texture with half the saturated fat, calories, and no cholesterol. This leads to a healthy heart and girlish figure.

Making decent alfredo sauce is next to impossible in a home kitchen. This is because cream is very delicate and will simply “break” with too much heat. You have to make double boilers and stir until your fingers cramp to the whisk. If you can make it through the whisking, then you have to watch your heat. Too much heat and you have “Alfredo The Busted.” This will leave you with water and chunks of white stuff in your pan. Throw in your parm too quickly and you will have a glob of goo along with your chunks. Did I mention that Alfredo is cream, milk, and egg yolks? If your sauce doesn’t break, then you arteries just might.

How about this:

Take a half chunk of any kind of tofu except “extra firm”. Throw in in a blender with 1/4 cup of tofu sour cream. It will blend to the consistency of mayonnaise. Add about a cup of plain soy milk to get it to a sauce like consistency. In a medium saucepan, get two tablespoons of canola oil REALLY HOT. Throw in two chopped scallions and a quarter cup of pine nuts. Cook until the pine nuts are nice and brown. Pour in 1 cup of vegetable broth and a 1/2 cup of white wine. Simmer this until the mixture is reduced by half. Add in your alfredo sauce and reduce the heat to medium. Let the mixture come to barely a boil. Cook the sauce a couple minutes until it is at your desired thickness, add some vegetable stock if it is too thick. Season with salt, pepper, and onion powder. When the sauce is ready, throw in a shot of nutmeg…just a sprinkle and mix. Here is the good news: Tofu Alfredo does not break!

Mix the sauce in with a pile of whole wheat penne or rotini and enjoy. If you want to get crazy, cut up a handful of tomatoes, basil, and steamed broccoli and throw it in 30 seconds before you remove the sauce from the heat. If you absolutely MUST have that parm taste, sprinkle some parm cheese on all ye non vegans. You are still eating close to 80% less fat, calories, and 100% less cholesterol. Afterwards, you will not need to loosen your belt, lay on the couch, or take some Rolaids. This is because you were not beaten up by Alfredo.

Ingredients:
1/2 package any tofu except extra firm
1/4 cup soy sour cream (folks, if I can find it in Tulsa, you can find it in your town)
1 cup plain soy milk
1/4 – 1/2 cup white wine
2 scallions
1/4 cup pine nuts
1 cup of vegetable stock
a dash of nutmeg
2 teaspoons of oil
Optional:
1 cup of diced tomatoes
1 cup of diced basil
1 cup of steamed broccoli

A couple of our non-vegan friends and family are deeply concerned about our vegan diet and whether we will get enough protein. There are 4 main sources of vegan protein: soy products, nuts, legumes, and whole grains. If there is one nutrient that is abundant in vegan diets, it is protein. I can’t eat anything from the above 4 categories without eating at least 20% in one sitting.

Here is a great example: Darren’s vegan cheeseburger. Yes, you heard me right. I made up a vegan cheeseburger. Here are the ingredients:

• 2 slices of whole wheat bread: 8g
• 1 chipotle veggie burger: 4g
• 3 slices “Fakin’ Bacon” tempe (soy product): 8g
• 1/2 tablespoon soy mayonnaise: 0g
• 1 slice vegan american cheese: 4g

That is 24g of protein or 50% of my daily intake in one sitting. To take it one step further, here are the total numbers:

• Calories: 475
• Total fat as percent of daily intake: 27%
• Total saturated fat as percent of daily intake: 4.5%
• Total cholesterol as percent of daily intake: 0% (yes, not a gram!)
• Sodium: 57% (that still is a little high)

BTW, it really does taste rather good slopped together with ketchup, lettuce, and mustard. I was pleasantly shocked considering Aleta and I used to spend our date nights going through the “Annual List of Tulsa’s Best Burgers”.

I went to Wendy’s website and got the facts on a single bacon cheeseburger. It has slightly higher protein at 32g. Here are the other numbers:

• Calories: 550
• Total fat as percent of daily intake: 45%
• Total saturated fat as percent of daily intake: 72%
• Total cholesterol as percent of daily intake: 33%
• Sodium: 70%

After doing a calculation of 2 days worth of diet, I am counting an average of 2000 – 2200 calories a day, 55 -65g (115%) of protein, 10g of saturated fat (50%), and 0 (0%) mg of cholesterol.

* Disclaimer – I am no expert at nutrition, just trying to understand what I am reading. My comments are not authoritative.