Paul sat next to me in the fading fall grass and asked “What are you doing daddy?” I said “I am picking the remaining peppers from my plant.” He replied, “Are those the ones that burn your face and Scottie’s belly?” I said “Yes”. He went on, “Are those the ones that mommy said ‘you don’t touch’?” I replied again, “Yes”. He said as he normally does about things he is not allowed to do, “Okay well when I get older, I will pick the hot peppers and eat them like you do because those hot peppers are only for mommies and daddies.”

Earlier this year before we decided on the drastic vegan diet, I was pretty bent on growing my own garden. I had been a homeowner for 3 years now and had yet to plant a single vegetable. So, in May I went out to Lowe’s and picked up 2 tiny tomato plants, a bunch of herbs, and some hot peppers. The only reason why I picked up the peppers was because the little “spice-o-meter” reading on the side of the planter had the peppers 7 out of 10. I could not find the pepper name on the planter anywhere. I figured that I had been to the ends of the earth and have had a good hot pepper, so these were definitely okay.

I planted my tomatoes and hot peppers. Fast forward 60 days. The two pepper plants had quadrupled in size and were budding dozens of hot peppers. My tomato plants had quadrupled in size and had managed to grow 2 tomatoes. Since I only had two, I was careful to stake the vines and make sure the two little fruits of my labor, good for 1 salad, would actually ripen on the vine. That salad hope was blown to bits a couple weeks later when I found one of the tomatoes half ripe smashed on the ground and the other one in Scottie’s hand with little boy bites in it and tomato juice on his cheeks.

One Saturday, I finally decided to pick some peppers. I was now a vegan and almost every vegan grows their own vegetables. Tthis was my first harvest where I actually toiled the land (all 5 feet of it) to produce something. I was a proud farmer, following in the footsteps of my dad who grew everything when I was growing up. If there will be another dark age after December 21^st, 2012, I will at least be able to grow my own food (except tomatoes).

The boys were outside with me and watched as I picked the peppers. I grabbed about 1/2 dozen and brought them inside. Having never handled hot peppers before (only a 7 out of 10), I innocently took out my chopping board and started to clean them. I stuck my fingers inside and gutted the seeds and cut out the ribs like I would with any pepper. I figured I would fry of these up with some potatoes and onions for a little snack.

Aleta came in the kitchen and was excited. She said, “Wow, our first garden vegetables. I want to try one.” Not knowing if they were too hot, I cut her a sliver and it touched her lip before she put it in her mouth. I threw the sliced hot peppers in the hot sauté pan not more than 30 seconds later.

And then all hell broke loose…

Aleta’s lip started to turn red and her mouth caught on fire. She said some gray area cuss words and ran for the fridge, gulping down soy milk straight from the container. My hands started burning hot and heavy and so did an area around my eye. At the same time, we all started coughing hard from the smoke from the sauté pan. The boys started coughing harder and crying. Aleta was chugging milk. My eye really started to burn. I went to the sink without washing my hands and splashed water in my eye. Immediately, the eyeball stung with an intensity I have never felt before, open or shut. I became disoriented and started running blindly to the bathroom looking for saline. Aleta, coughing up a lung, ran for the stove (mouth red) and shut off the heat. As I was stumbling down the hallway, Aleta ran for the door as if she was in a burning building and gallantly flung the front door open. She then ran past me again, coughing sneezing, burning, and disoriented and flung open the back door. I stumbled into the bathroom, ripped open the cabinets, knocking everything over clumsily looking for saline. Both eyes were now almost burned shut. Aleta still hacking harder, came running by me with both crying boys, put them in their rooms, turned on their fans, and shut their doors. I started screaming, “WHERE IS THE SALINE?” Aleta finally got to me, still coughing up a lung, shoved by me to the sink and grabbed the bottle under it. She took my head and pushed it down sideways on the counter and squeezed the bottle as hard as she could. The saline came blasting into my eyes and burned even harder. I probably said some things I needed to repent for. She blasted again and again and again. Finally, the burn started to ease off from my eye.

After 5 minutes I could open both eyes. I looked in the mirror and it looked like I had gotten into a smacking match with a monkey. The whole house felt like it had been bombed with mustard gas and all of us could not breath in deeply without having an uncontrollable burst of coughing and hacking. I quarantined the pile of half cooked peppers in two plastic bags and with radiation style handling, extended the bag out as far as I could and threw it in the outside trash. The boys eventually calmed down and we tried to make dinner again.

As it turns out, I saw the same looking peppers at the local market a week later with a sign above them “Habanero Peppers” and then underneath “Prepare with Caution – Use Gloves”. Thanks. So, you can see why Paul was curious about why I would want to pick peppers on a fall day. Aleta made sure from that day on, the boys would stay as clear from them as they would a stranger. I eventually learned how to prepare and cook those “evil little bastards” (Aleta’s endearing term). Thus was my first experience as a vegan gardener.

PS – To prepare habaneros properly and reduce the heat intensity by 60%:

1. Put on gloves
2. Go outside and away from any enclosed spaces
3. Do not rub eyes with gloves, hands, forearms
4. Use only metal utensils and bowls
5. Cut them in half (peppers, not the utensils and bowls)
6. Remove all the ribs and seeds
7. Rinse them with your garden hose (peppers, not the ribs and seeds)
8. Rinse again
9. And again
10. And again
11. Leave the peppers outside while you go in and get a glass jar or container
12. Fill the jar halfway with water and a couple pinches of salt
13. Add the peppers
14. Seal the lid
15. Stick in fridge for 5 days
16. Grill or roast with Mexican dishes (peppers, not the fridge)

What is the vegan obsession with alfalfa or bean sprouts or whatever that stringy stuff is. Have you ever noticed that they only put that grassy stuff on vegan sandwiches? You will never see a juicy smoked chicken sandwich with alfalfa. It is almost like a restaurant menu planner is like “Well, they tend to be weird people anyway. Let’s make the sandwich really weird.” When I bite into that stuff, I almost feel like I am chewing dental floss.

Here is a much better vegan sandwich that saves the grass or sprouts or whatever that stuff is.

Green Zucchini
Big fat onion (almost softball size)
Red Pepper
Avocado
Loaf of fresh Panera Sourdough (or supermarket fresh)
Grapeseed oil (Olive is “okay”)
salt and pepper
Dijon Mustard

Cut the zucchinilengthwise about a quarter inch. You should get 3 – 4 slabs. If the zucc is long, cut it in half. You want a good sturdy slab. Cut the onion in the middle and make the slabs a little thicker. Cut the pepper in in half, clean out the ribs and seeds. Then cut the halves in half again. You want to make sure the pepper is nice and flat. To the side, cut the avocado in half, remove the seed, and slice it into sandwich sized pieces. Place all the veggies except the avacado in a flat pan and coat them with the grapeseed oil. Grapeseed oil does much better in high heat (flash point) and does not smoke anywhere like olive oil. It is a great grilling and saute oil. It has some of the characteristics of olive oil in the sense you can use it for dipping (have you ever tried to dip your bread in soybean oil?) and it is great for grilling. Sprinkle salt and pepper liberally over the veggies. Most people are afraid here and under season.

Start your grill and get it to about 450 degrees. You have to get it this hot. Don’t do anything until it is this hot. The biggest grilling mistake people make is that they cook at temperatures way too low and flip stuff too often. Once the grill is at 450, place the onions, peppers (inside portion down), and zuccs on the grill and close the cover. You should be cooking these for 3 – 4 minutes. Flip the veggies after this time and cook for another 3 – 4 minutes. The peppers will have some black spots on the outer skin, the onions should lose the outside layer and be clearer towards the outside, the zuccs should simply be soft to the touch (with your flipper, not your hand) and can be cut with the edge of your flipper.

Remove the veggies from the heat. Cut your bread into nice 1/2 inch slices and coat (with a brush or a paper towel) both sides with grapeseed oil. Throw those on for about a minute on each side.

Spread some Dijon mustard on both slices of bread. Layer the sandwich with avocado on the bottom, followed by zuccs, peppers, and the onions. Make it as fat or skinny as you’d like. Cut in half and serve immediately.

And if you are weird, you can throw on some grassy alfalfa stuff (whatever).

We love our weekend big breakfast. Historically, this has been full of pancakes, eggs, bacon, and even biscuits. I love all the flavors and the time with my family. One would think that since we are eating vegan, we are now eating salads with brussel sprout juice for breakfast. Not a chance. We have devised a vegan lumberjack breakfast that is both tasty and filling without all of the burps, heartburn, and nodding off during church.

We start with pancakes. I found a great recipe for pancakes in the “Joy of Vegan Baking” by Colleen Patrick. I have modified the recipe to look like this:

• 1/2 cup whole wheat flour
• 1/2 cup unbleached all purpose flour (the key being unbleached)
• 1 tbsp baking powder
• pinch of salt
• 1 cup vanilla soy milk
• 1/2 cup to 1 cup of water
• 2 tbsp canola oil
• 3 tbsp of blue agave sweetner (you can buy it at any food store)
• 1 1/2 tbsp of ground flax seed
• 1 1/2 tbsp of ground chia seed

Combine all the dry stuff. Combine all the wet stuff (except the water). Throw it into a bowl and stir it just until it is mixed. Add water for desired thickness. The thicker the batter, the fatter the pancakes. We make ours about as thin as pea soup. Spray a griddle and spoon them out one quarter cup at a time. Cook until golden brown. Serve with a pat of Earth Balance margarine and some real maple syrup.

These pancakes will be sweet, a bit nutty, dense, and full of additional iron, calcium, fiber and protein. They (like everything else) will be lower in saturated fat and have no cholesterol. This is the one food that my two picky eater kids absolutely love. These make the Sam’s Club sack of Krusteaz taste like saliva sucking hardtack.

Moving on to eggs and meat…

Grab a half brick of tofu and break it onto pieces (like scrambled eggs). Get some veggie chorizo (if I can get it in Tulsa, you can find it) and dice it. Dice 1/4 of an onion. In a saucepan, get two tbsp of canola oil REALLY HOT. Throw in the onion and chorizo. It should sizzle! Cook until all is nice and brown. Add the crumbled tofu (another sizzle). Throw in two slices of soy american cheese and let it melt. Keep it all mixed. Throw in a dash of salt and pepper. Once all mixed through, add 1/4 cup salsa. Cook for another 30 seconds. Remove it from the heat and serve with the pancakes. Be sure to get out you mexican hot sauce.

You will be able to notice the difference in taste of the chorizo, but the tofu is almost exactly the same as eggs. In terms of the texture of it all, it should be identical to using meat products. I know as I used to eat the meat version of this every Sunday at a mexican restaurant when I lived in Los Angeles. BTW, do you know what the ingredients are in Mexican chorizo? (click here at your own risk).

There you have it, a vegan lumberjack breakfast. I guarantee you that it will be good, filling, and satisfying. Have you been trying to picture what exactly a lumberjack vegan looks like? Hemp flannel shirt, trimmed bearded, horn rimmed glasses, a ethanol burning chainsaw????

After we had finished our meal the day before, I had about 4 tablespoons of the pesto mix left. We decided to make grilled veggie sandwiches for lunch. I made these two weeks before we went vegan just to experiment with taste. We liked the sandwiches then and we wanted to try them again now.

I took a red pepper, green pepper, yellow squash, green squash, and an onion and sliced them into big pieces. I kept the marinade simple with olive oil, lemon, salt and pepper. The veggies were grilled on our backyard grill for about 15 minutes (7.5 on a side) at 425 degrees. For bread, Aleta brought home some nice french bread. I cut some big slices, coated them with olive oil and grilled them nice and brown.

Back to the pesto. I added 2 tablespoons of vegan mayonnaise (which is quite good) to two tablespoons of the pesto mix. We could have dipped it on the bread right there and called it a day. The sandwiches were crafted with the pesto spread on both sides, squash, peppers, onions, and fresh avacado.

Flavor explosion.