Vegan Habanero Monkey Smack

Paul sat next to me in the fading fall grass and asked “What are you doing daddy?” I said “I am picking the remaining peppers from my plant.” He replied, “Are those the ones that burn your face and Scottie’s belly?” I said “Yes”. He went on, “Are those the ones that mommy said ‘you don’t touch’?” I replied again, “Yes”. He said as he normally does about things he is not allowed to do, “Okay well when I get older, I will pick the hot peppers and eat them like you do because those hot peppers are only for mommies and daddies.”

Earlier this year before we decided on the drastic vegan diet, I was pretty bent on growing my own garden. I had been a homeowner for 3 years now and had yet to plant a single vegetable. So, in May I went out to Lowe’s and picked up 2 tiny tomato plants, a bunch of herbs, and some hot peppers. The only reason why I picked up the peppers was because the little “spice-o-meter” reading on the side of the planter had the peppers 7 out of 10. I could not find the pepper name on the planter anywhere. I figured that I had been to the ends of the earth and have had a good hot pepper, so these were definitely okay.

I planted my tomatoes and hot peppers. Fast forward 60 days. The two pepper plants had quadrupled in size and were budding dozens of hot peppers. My tomato plants had quadrupled in size and had managed to grow 2 tomatoes. Since I only had two, I was careful to stake the vines and make sure the two little fruits of my labor, good for 1 salad, would actually ripen on the vine. That salad hope was blown to bits a couple weeks later when I found one of the tomatoes half ripe smashed on the ground and the other one in Scottie’s hand with little boy bites in it and tomato juice on his cheeks.

One Saturday, I finally decided to pick some peppers. I was now a vegan and almost every vegan grows their own vegetables. Tthis was my first harvest where I actually toiled the land (all 5 feet of it) to produce something. I was a proud farmer, following in the footsteps of my dad who grew everything when I was growing up. If there will be another dark age after December 21^st, 2012, I will at least be able to grow my own food (except tomatoes).

The boys were outside with me and watched as I picked the peppers. I grabbed about 1/2 dozen and brought them inside. Having never handled hot peppers before (only a 7 out of 10), I innocently took out my chopping board and started to clean them. I stuck my fingers inside and gutted the seeds and cut out the ribs like I would with any pepper. I figured I would fry of these up with some potatoes and onions for a little snack.

Aleta came in the kitchen and was excited. She said, “Wow, our first garden vegetables. I want to try one.” Not knowing if they were too hot, I cut her a sliver and it touched her lip before she put it in her mouth. I threw the sliced hot peppers in the hot sauté pan not more than 30 seconds later.

And then all hell broke loose…

Aleta’s lip started to turn red and her mouth caught on fire. She said some gray area cuss words and ran for the fridge, gulping down soy milk straight from the container. My hands started burning hot and heavy and so did an area around my eye. At the same time, we all started coughing hard from the smoke from the sauté pan. The boys started coughing harder and crying. Aleta was chugging milk. My eye really started to burn. I went to the sink without washing my hands and splashed water in my eye. Immediately, the eyeball stung with an intensity I have never felt before, open or shut. I became disoriented and started running blindly to the bathroom looking for saline. Aleta, coughing up a lung, ran for the stove (mouth red) and shut off the heat. As I was stumbling down the hallway, Aleta ran for the door as if she was in a burning building and gallantly flung the front door open. She then ran past me again, coughing sneezing, burning, and disoriented and flung open the back door. I stumbled into the bathroom, ripped open the cabinets, knocking everything over clumsily looking for saline. Both eyes were now almost burned shut. Aleta still hacking harder, came running by me with both crying boys, put them in their rooms, turned on their fans, and shut their doors. I started screaming, “WHERE IS THE SALINE?” Aleta finally got to me, still coughing up a lung, shoved by me to the sink and grabbed the bottle under it. She took my head and pushed it down sideways on the counter and squeezed the bottle as hard as she could. The saline came blasting into my eyes and burned even harder. I probably said some things I needed to repent for. She blasted again and again and again. Finally, the burn started to ease off from my eye.

After 5 minutes I could open both eyes. I looked in the mirror and it looked like I had gotten into a smacking match with a monkey. The whole house felt like it had been bombed with mustard gas and all of us could not breath in deeply without having an uncontrollable burst of coughing and hacking. I quarantined the pile of half cooked peppers in two plastic bags and with radiation style handling, extended the bag out as far as I could and threw it in the outside trash. The boys eventually calmed down and we tried to make dinner again.

As it turns out, I saw the same looking peppers at the local market a week later with a sign above them “Habanero Peppers” and then underneath “Prepare with Caution – Use Gloves”. Thanks. So, you can see why Paul was curious about why I would want to pick peppers on a fall day. Aleta made sure from that day on, the boys would stay as clear from them as they would a stranger. I eventually learned how to prepare and cook those “evil little bastards” (Aleta’s endearing term). Thus was my first experience as a vegan gardener.

PS – To prepare habaneros properly and reduce the heat intensity by 60%:

1. Put on gloves
2. Go outside and away from any enclosed spaces
3. Do not rub eyes with gloves, hands, forearms
4. Use only metal utensils and bowls
5. Cut them in half (peppers, not the utensils and bowls)
6. Remove all the ribs and seeds
7. Rinse them with your garden hose (peppers, not the ribs and seeds)
8. Rinse again
9. And again
10. And again
11. Leave the peppers outside while you go in and get a glass jar or container
12. Fill the jar halfway with water and a couple pinches of salt
13. Add the peppers
14. Seal the lid
15. Stick in fridge for 5 days
16. Grill or roast with Mexican dishes (peppers, not the fridge)

Tags: vegetables

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